Well here we are again, I’m probably the most hated person in town and I’m lying in bed as I write this, crippled with embarrassment, shame and really bad anxiety. This isn’t the first time I’ve been on the ‘I’m-An-Asshole boat’ and sometimes I feel I’m the captain of this ship more than I’m not. Why do I keep doing this to myself and others? Why can’t I get to the bottom of my issues and focus on working to sort them out instead of indulging on a cocktail of class A drugs and alcohol, becoming aggressive, lashing out in horrible ways and than blaming others for my mistakes. I need to take the time to sort out my emotions before I end up in a mental hospital or worse… a grimy jail cell..
Alcohol has been my go to, if I’m happy I’ll get drunk, if I’m sad I’ll have another sip, if I’m annoyed I’ll pour me another and if I’m bored I’ll buy myself another bottle of wine. So you can guess I’m drunk quite often and I hate to think the condition my liver is in because it’s been this way since I was the age of 13. I don’t even really enjoy going out and getting drunk to be completely honest but I’ll still do it anyway. Am I an alcoholic? Well I don’t wake up “needing” a drink, and I don’t drink every day, more like every other day. So surely am not a full-blown alcoholic but I do have alcoholic tendencies and that’s more than enough for me to try get my shit together before things get worse, and I dread to think about it because things are already down the toilet. I’ve lost a lot through alcohol and drugs. I’ve lost friendships, relationships and my self-respect. There’s just no controlling me and lately my friends and outsiders looking in have addressed their concern for my well-being.
Thursday night / Friday mid morning was a disaster. It started off as any other Thursday night. My friend asked me if I wanted to go up to his house for a few drinks before going out and I didn’t need much convincing of course and I’m sure the excuse I used to persuade myself was totally legit right? Probably not. We started off drinking rum, then beer and then vodka and on top of that a couple of lines of cocaine would hurt ether would it? Hmm. When I got to the club I helped myself to some more vodka, tequila, and then a little more vodka. To be honest I can’t even remember after that. I can remember talking to a guy for a moment, can’t remember much about the conversation but I can just remember complimenting his teeth. We’ll call him ‘Mr. smiles’.
If there’s one thing that I’m good at its finding my drunken ass an after party, that comes with the territory of being the local out-of-control not-really-an-alcoholic-but-really-am freak show you know. And was that night any different? Of course not. I’m not giving too much information on any who’s, what’s or where’s because that’s not really anyone’s business but I did indulge on more spirits, speed and some other white stuff that I’m not sure of the name of. I’m guessing that’s the stuff I woke up to in my bag on Friday evening?
Leaving the after party a few hours later I was in the taxi going to the only bar in town that opens and sells drink at 8am. I’m always surprised why I’m even allowed in places like that whilst looking a homeless mess. I guess it would just save her the aggravation in me ‘kicking off’ when being declined. Leaving that pub at 10am to go to another bar – well that’s where things went from bad to worse. Taking more tequila shots and drinking more vodka I was basically paralytic. I remember sitting chatting to my dad’s close friend and family friend one minute and the next I had thrown my glass at him. Why? I have no idea. Probably because I’m a paranoid wreck and thought he was laughing at me. I remember crying and holding a carry on, something would expect to see at an Alcohol Anonymous meeting. I knew it was wrong, but it still didn’t stop me from doing it. I wasn’t allowed to be served alcohol after that and for once in my life I don’t think I even kicked up a fuss! I think I just left. I’m so embarrassed about my actions Friday morning, and feel really shameful. These past couple days have been horrible. The shame for doing it has been almost unbearable and the comedown from the cocktail of drugs has been almost impossible to cope with by spiraling myself into a depression and suicidal thoughts. I’ve blocked my mum from calling my phone after her angry text after news got around to her a few hours later, my sister for when she tries to contact me because I’m just not dealing with it now and I’ve deleted most of my social media accounts for the time being.
If it’s one thing that I’ve learned from all this is that I obviously need help. Whether it be professionally or to take the necessary steps to get my life back on track. So I’ve come to the conclusion that maybe I am an alcoholic, maybe I have to make sure that not another alcohol beverage has to go past my lips ever again. Maybe I have to be the ‘boring’ one and say no to alcohol and drugs and focus on growing into the woman I want to be instead of acting like I belong in a padded cell. Whatever I decide it will have to be drastic change, and I’ll have to be committed to the decision if I ever want my life to change for the better.